A tipsy Geordie Vicar explains Christmas and his pagan family. There’s a surprise at the end, pretty funny and somehow appropriate. It’s a little off color so be forewarned….
From Dean at Deanish: Monty Python Becomes Real
I was just checking on the news this morning and I catch the following headline: —Llamas Enlisted to Thwart Biological Weapons—. Is it just me, or is that more than slightly reminiscent of a wonderful line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail in which King Arthur asks, —Explain again how you may employ a sheep’s bladder in the prevention of earthquakes?—
Check out his entire post – and a related screen cap from Monty.
I also like his site design (Word Press of course). It’s very clean and easy to read. Dean features lots of posts and information about Nintendo. I’ll be checking his site out more fully after I get my hands on a Wii (and yes, I’m waiting till after Christmas).
I received the following in the E-mail a few days ago. It speaks, in a humorous way, to the issues raised in my previous post.
Dedicated to those born between 1930 and 1979!
To the survivors:
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and we drank Kool-Aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have a Sony Playstation, Nintendo, X-box, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound , CD’s or iPods, no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms…….
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good
And while you are at it, share this with your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!
I received this from my daughter.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable:
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, “Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser, “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful!” exclaimed the woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
The hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be as kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?”
Seán Finnegan of Valle Adurni posted a link to the Top Ten Orthodox Catholic Pick-up lines.
As Huw Raphael points out, by ‘Orthodox’ Seán means traditional small ‘o’ orthodox Roman Catholic. Huw then goes on to develop the Top Ten Orthodox catholic pick-up-lines in Pick up lines.
Not to be outdone, I am now posting the Top Ten Polish National Catholic Pick-up Lines (with requisite stealing from both the R.C. and Orthodox):
10. May I escort you to an Adoration Society meeting?
9. Hi. My buddy and I need you to help us settle a dispute: should we say “Niech będzie pochwalony Jezus Chrystus” or —Praise be the name of the Lord Jesus Christ—?
8. You know, you look absolutely great in that Góralska costume.
7. How did a nice [choose one: Irish, Japanese, African American, Hispanic, Italian, German, Swedish, Norwegian, Slovak, Lithuanian, Ukrainian] girl like you end up in a PNCC parish?
6. You don’t like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!
5. You know, the bookstore at my parish sells The Apocalypse by Bishop Hodur.
4. Do you prefer the icon of Ostrabrama or Częstochowa?
3. Your lips remind me of the red binder on my PNU policy.
2. Will you stand next to me during the Asperges?
1. We’re making pierogi and gołąbki on Tuesday night, do you want to wrap or fill?
Chávez Calls Bush ‘the Devil’ in U.N. Speech from the NY Times
President Hugo Chávez of Venezuela bitterly and sarcastically assailed President Bush before the United Nations General Assembly today, portraying Mr. Bush as —the devil— who thinks he is —the owner of the world.—
—Yesterday, the devil came here,— Mr. Chávez said, alluding to Mr. Bush’s appearance before the General Assembly on Tuesday. —Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of.—
I’m prepared to send the following to Mr. Bush:
It’s the haz-mat sign used for class 4.1 substances, particularly sulfur. I can hear the conversation now, ‘Agent, we’ll need enough for Washington, the cars, and enough for Crawford (the new Palm Springs).’
Unfortunately, Mr. Chávez made a bad character assessment. Remember, the devil is wily… I’m just not seeing the crafty, clever, cunning, and sly part. I’ll give Mr. Bush the devious and scheming though.
From Reuters: Pope tells overworked priests even he can’t do all:
Prominent dissident theologian Hans Kueng told German broadcaster NDR he had not altogether given up hope of reforms under Benedict.
“With time, he must see that if he constantly disappoints people he will land himself in difficulty,” Kueng said. “His predecessor made parishes desolate and just asked and prayed for more priests for 27 years with no success.”
In a later interview
Prominent God, God told the world that he had not altogether given up hope for reform and conversion in Hans Kueng’s heart.
“With time, he must see that if he constantly disappoints Me he will land himself in difficulty,” God said. “He’s made parishes desolate by a lack of faith and prayer and just asked for his personal wishes to be fulfilled, with no success.”
In a related note, Marketplace had a report this morning on the lack of people in the engineering field in Germany. They noted that engineering is only the 7th most sought after profession and is behind pastors and teachers as an ideal profession.
Pastors, in Germany!?! Let’s see: not much work, a cool gothic building, and a government stipend. Mmmmm, ok.
From Friary Notes:
1. Because many priests have forgotten what it was like to be a deacon or what a deacon is supposed to do during the Mass, you can have a great deal of fun at the priest’s expense by pretending that various parts of the Mass that the priest is supposed to say actually belong to you. Simply act like you are getting ready to say something. If the priest stops to let you speak, say – “No, that’s your line.” If the priest doesn’t stop, look hurt – as if you only have a few lines in the Mass and you don’t want to lose any.
Either way you confuse the priest and he now feels he needs to give another look at the rubrics, General Instruction of the Roman Missal, etc. If you do this enough times, you can really get the priest to dread having to serve with the deacon.
2. You can also get the laity pretty well confused. Whenever someone asks how you are to be addressed, give different answers – Deacon, Reverend Deacon [Mister], Father Deacon, the more the better. Watch them argue over which title is more proper. Let some call you Father and don’t correct them – that helps to increase the confusion.
3. [VERY EVIL SUGGESTION] – Enter a Catholic bookstore and bless everything, thus putting them out of business.
4. [VERY EVIL SUGGESTION] – Wait for someone to ask if you can hear their confession. Tell them that you can, but you will also be sure to let everyone else know what they said.
And I’ll add:
5. [ULTIMATELY EVIL SUGGESTION] —“ When filling for a priest who is on vacation, especially at a parish that has never had a deacon, allow people to think you are celebrating the Holy Mass. Also, don’t forget to accept the Mass stipend they offer you for their deceased relatives or friends. After it’s over clarify the situation for them telling them that they sinned because they didn’t go to mass. You might even add that father and the bishop are in disagreement over the issue. Give them the bishop’s address.
It seems like the initial Western reaction to the most recent Muslim extremism has passed into the humor and satire phase.
Thankfully, we are allowed to laugh. Unfortunately our humor will be short lived because such extremism doesn’t react well with human traits, kind of like a Star Trek matter-anti matter episode (Episode: The Alternative Factor. Pertinent quote from Mr. Spock: “Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.”)
Anyway, a recent blog posting and editorial make my point:
St. Jimbob of the Apokalypse in his blog Shaking Off Sleep has a posting on Invoking Muhammad (Lord, have mercy on us)
In almost all Islamic adherents, I’ve noticed that they immediately append a blessing when invoking the name of Muhammad, saying —Peace be upon him—. In print, the name of Muhammad is followed by (Peace be upon him), or the acronym (pbuh).
I’ve got another idea.
Muhammad’s sins grieve our Father no more than our own sins, though his may be more notorious. So, I propose a protocol of praying for God’s mercy every time Muhammad’s name is invoked, reminding us to pray for his soul, along with the conversion of those who follow in his footsteps. Immediately append a (Lord, have mercy on us), shortened to (Lhmou) subsequently…
I won’t reprint excerpts from the editorial here. A little too off-color for my blog, but you might want to check out The Q***r Muhammad: an experiment in tolerance by Mike S. Adams over at townhall.com.
The Curt Jester has done a piece on the New Rite of Exorcism for the Spirit of Vatican II. It removes the evils of modernism from those who still cling to the ‘spirit of the age’ rather than the Holy Spirit.
It’s very funny. Give it a read. I imagine it could be used in a lot of places (EC-USA anyone?).
Biretta tip to the Pontificator.